*Daddy? Why do some boys love boys and some girls love girls?*
That was about 7am Saturday morning from our 4.5 year old.
This is the precise time I take a deep breath and wait on the Holy Spirit to give me the words. It’s also the moment I know I’m going to hear from my therapist, *yup…*
So after the question was posed I spoke to my daughter confidently and clearly, from a place of love. To say God gave me the words to speak in that moment is an understatement. It’s also a moment I’m grateful to say, God has been preparing me for. Surrendering to His will when things are good becomes like muscle memory when things aren’t exactly smooth-sailing.
John 3:30 “He must become greater; I must become less.”
The season I’ve been in has largely been good, challenging at times, but nothing I can’t handle. Life will have its ups and downs, but my response has been very different and I praise God for that. The combination of living in community, therapy and also living in faithfulness with a heart that isn’t walled off from the world around me has brought me to a place of peace (ok, mostly peace). When things go bad, my instinct is to pray, pick up my Bible and reach out to others. Before you say *yeah right*, or *I wish*, I’ll say it’s never been that way for me. I have never had peace in the middle of a storm like I can find now. These are the moments practice ultimately determines how I react at game-time.
Jeremiah 29: 11-14 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,” declares the Lord”
As my family and I prepare for a chapter in our lives that will include some changes to our schedule, it’s a chapter that will demand surrender. I’ve been praying over this change, and also praying over what God has been stirring in me asking for some clarity. Again, discernment isn’t one of the spiritual gifts I was given, so I’ve tried to be patient but this weekend i began feeling like slowly His plan is being revealed to me. If I had my way, I’d want to know why things happen in every moment, to have all the answers. But that’s my own will, my own desire for control, my own selfishness I have to surrender. It’s imperfect for sure, but because of some repetition I’m getting to a place of recognizing when my will rises up so I can begin to surrender to His care, to His will. The formula makes sense, He>I and I can’t fight that logic, even in a day and age where logic dominates thinking. Behind that surrender, the fragile peace is faith, a hope in something much bigger than myself. Stepping into something that I can’t see, can’t touch, but can feel in my life.
To be sure. At 7 Saturday morning, wordless groans were all I was capable of. But thankfully it wasn’t up to me that morning, or all the other ‘mornings’ that come along.
Romans 12: 2 (ERV) “Don’t change yourselves to be like the people of this world, but let God change you inside with a new way of thinking. Then you will be able to understand and accept what God wants for you. You will be able to know what is good and pleasing to him and what is perfect.”
Surrender isn’t a place of weakness, but rather a place of strength. It does however take strength to surrender, and that doesn’t happen overnight. Just because you don’t have the map for your life doesn’t mean you aren’t on the right heading. You don’t prepare once you’ve left the harbor. You prepare when you’re in the flat of the harbor and before things get unsure.
Keep persevering; You’re worth it.
Keep practicing; God doesn’t expect perfection.
Keep praying; Have a conversation from your heart, not from an epistle.