The weekend was rich with blessings for me, though I have to admit also a great challenge. It was one where I felt like my prayers weren’t being answered, or even heard. If I was in my right and grounded mind, it would be easy for me to pull out of that weekend-long funk. There’s so much I want for my wife, my daughters and for the world around me. I want it so badly, that it brings tears to my eyes and this weekend was one where I sat quietly questioning God’s plans, and if God was hearing me.
I turned to birthday cake. Then I dug in and prayed, and felt a certain amount of peace reading through a passage in Jeremiah.
Jeremiah 29: 11-13 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.
This was the reminder I needed, and clung to. Then Sunday came…
With me heading out of town I wanted more time with family so we went to the yoga studio as a family. More time for me is good, but ehm, maybe not the way it played out. A bad accident on the Kennedy (fortunately all involved are ok as a side-note) snarled a peaceful start to the morning. The guilt rose over decisions I made as the driver, and then in came anger and the eventual resentment. Needless to say I wasn’t in a good place. Before the commute, I had set the intention to pray and listen for God during the multitude of asana’s during the floor series… (mini-nap in between heart-racing postures) needless to say it didn’t happen the way I had intended, or really wanted.
I felt like once again, the plans I had weren’t being blessed and worse, was I being punished now? Fueled by a 105 degree room my anger only grew, and while I prayed for God to take it away and replace it with peace it didn’t come. So I did what an addict does best… Look to the world for validation.
I pushed myself, needing some form of validation from the teacher that I was ok, that I was more than ok in fact I was doing well. Shockingly, or not, it never came. I was looking to the podium for validation, not staying focused on God. The fact that I didn’t receive anything positive is probably the greatest gift I could have received. It took a while to get there, but I needed the reminder that when I am challenged I turn away, not to the one that gives and sustains me in all times. Sorry to sound like a broken record here, but certainly there’s some uniformity to what’s happening with me and I need you all to keep me grounded and remind me that I’m flawed and imperfect, but my God loves me because of those things and has plans for me. I can’t do it alone, and thankfully I’m not!
Grace and peace