Validate me

The weekend was rich with blessings for me, though I have to admit also a great challenge.  It was one where I felt like my prayers weren’t being answered, or even heard.  If I was in my right and grounded mind, it would be easy for me to pull out of that weekend-long funk.  There’s so much I want for my wife, my daughters and for the world around me.  I want it so badly, that it brings tears to my eyes and this weekend was one where I sat quietly questioning God’s plans, and if God was hearing me.
I turned to birthday cake.  Then I dug in and prayed, and felt a certain amount of peace reading through a passage in Jeremiah.
Jeremiah 29: 11-13  For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 
This was the reminder I needed, and clung to.  Then Sunday came…
With me heading out of town I wanted more time with family so we went to the yoga studio as a family.  More time for me is good, but ehm, maybe not the way it played out.  A bad accident on the Kennedy (fortunately all involved are ok as a side-note) snarled a peaceful start to the morning.  The guilt rose over decisions I made as the driver, and then in came anger and the eventual resentment.  Needless to say I wasn’t in a good place.  Before the commute, I had set the intention to pray and listen for God during the multitude of asana’s during the floor series… (mini-nap in between heart-racing postures) needless to say it didn’t happen the way I had intended, or really wanted.
I felt like once again, the plans I had weren’t being blessed and worse, was I being punished now?  Fueled by a 105 degree room my anger only grew, and while I prayed for God to take it away and replace it with peace it didn’t come.  So I did what an addict does best… Look to the world for validation.
I pushed myself, needing some form of validation from the teacher that I was ok, that I was more than ok in fact I was doing well.  Shockingly, or not, it never came.  I was looking to the podium for validation, not staying focused on God.  The fact that I didn’t receive anything positive is probably the greatest gift I could have received.  It took a while to get there, but I needed the reminder that when I am challenged I turn away, not to the one that gives and sustains me in all times.  Sorry to sound like a broken record here, but certainly there’s some uniformity to what’s happening with me and I need you all to keep me grounded and remind me that I’m flawed and imperfect, but my God loves me because of those things and has plans for me.  I can’t do it alone, and thankfully I’m not!


Grace and peace

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