Am I being punished?

I continue to be in this place familiar to many of you, a dark place where I remain faithful to God and pray my heart out yet am met with a resounding silence.  I know I know, it’s not silence and the truth is He’s speaking to me.  But ouch, I’m not hearing Him and the result is me feeling alone, abandoned, even punished.

The evidence of the contrary is everywhere around me, a wife that loves me, healthy-incredible children, a home, food, a sweet little pup, a job, friends, community.  Literally everywhere I turn there is evidence of a life rich with blessings He’s given/entrusted me with.  Yet the messages in my head block those from rising to my conscious or even unconscious.

I’m grateful to be fully-transparent and honest about my struggles because it’s given me support from family and friends, but there have also been passages given to me that remind me that we’ve all had these seasons.  Right now, I’m clinging to Psalm 42.  It’s not an overwhelmingly long Psalm so it’s below in it’s entirety.

Ps 42; As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, my God.  My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.  When can I go and meet with God?  My tears have been my food day and night, while people say to me all day long, “Where is your God?”  These things I remember as I pour out my soul: how I used to go to the house of God under the protection of the Mighty One with shouts of joy and praise among the festive throng. Why, my soul, are you downcast?  Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.  My soul is downcast within me; therefore I will remember you from the land of the Jordan, the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar.  Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers have swept over me.  By day the Lord directs his love, at night his song is with me—a prayer to the God of my life.  I say to God my Rock, “Why have you forgotten me? Why must I go about mourning, oppressed by the enemy?”  My bones suffer mortal agony as my foes taunt me, saying to me all day long, “Where is your God?” Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me?Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.

This resonates with me on so many levels, but I can feel Davids desire, a passion for relationship despite feeling a great distance.  Feeling forgotten, but deeply and passionately not wanting to be forgotten.  I know I’m not.  Whether I’m in a place where I can accept that is another matter all-together. Thanks for being there through all seasons, looking forward to seeing you all tomorrow!

Grace and peace

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